This blog was contributed by Bridges Spiva, Grammar School Principal.
On the way home from the hospital with our first son, I vividly remember my husband’s and my admiring our tiny passenger in the backseat and remarking, “We can’t believe they just let us take him home!” In that moment, the responsibility of raising another person seemed immense. We were inexperienced, felt unqualified for the job, and to our dismay, there was no user’s manual in sight.
Most parents lean into childrearing with the best intentions, crafting a parenting approach shaped by personal experiences and guidance from family and friends. Yet, all too often, children have a knack for thwarting even the best laid plans. Realistically, there are countless moments when we feel uncertain and realize just how few tools we actually have in our parenting toolbox.
Over the past several years, our school—and the classical education community at large —has benefited from the insightful parenting guidance of Licensed Professional Counselor and Family Therapist Keith McCurdy. His practical, no-nonsense approach has resonated deeply with me as an educator, but I was curious to see how his principles took shape in the day-to-day lives of families with school-aged children. To explore this perspective further, I recently spoke with New Covenant parent ambassador, Sarah Wittcop, who generously shared her two years’ experience working with and applying McCurdy’s strategies at home.
Q: What led you to seek routine parenting support from Keith McCurdy?
A: As parents, we were conflicted on how to guide our children through certain struggles and overwhelmed with advice from family, friends, podcasts, and parenting books. The deluge of advice was unmanageable and often contradictory. We wanted a single trusted source we could rely on. Keith has been that steady coach—keeping us grounded and reshaping our perspective when parenting guilt creeps in or when we wonder whether we are being too strict or should hold the line. We have also learned ways to address the root of issues versus simply responding to the immediate behavior.
Q: Were you ever hesitant or even embarrassed to seek outside advice?
A: We were not reluctant to seek professional advice, but we did experience a surprising amount of pushback from others which revealed a subtle stigma around consulting professionals. Although this was uncomfortable at first, any uncertainty quickly faded as we began seeing positive results in our family.
Q: Would you explain a parenting response that has changed or been strengthened as a result of your conversations with Mr. McCurdy?
A: Keith was quick to stress that children need responsibility and accountability from a young age. They must be expected to contribute consistently to the household and take ownership of tasks beyond themselves. In our home, starting at ages 4 and 6, our children began opening their own applesauce packets, opening and closing car doors, buckling seatbelts, packing and unpacking lunches, helping with laundry and trash, setting the table, cleaning the bathroom, and keeping their bedrooms tidy. This was (and still is) challenging—it takes time to train, supervise, and frequently require them to redo tasks. Additionally, I personally had to learn to let go of my perfectionist tendencies and accept the inevitable messes, imperfections, and complaints as necessary components of the process.
Q: When meeting with parents, they often express that consequences they’ve tried do not have much of an effect on their child. What strategies have you learned for addressing disobedience?
A: First, we realized that effective parenting starts with being present at home as a family. We intentionally cleared our schedules, carefully considered what we allowed back in, and said “no” to many good—but nonessential—activities. We created time to carry out discipline, encourage responsibility, and spend time together versus rushing to do X, Y, and Z. In terms of discipline itself, Keith taught us to establish a consistent and predictable response to misbehavior that is administered without drama, shame, or emotions. Our children know that misbehavior automatically results in a loss of freedom. This may be the loss of a toy or privilege but often includes work detail and an early bedtime. Keith also strongly supports a multi-day approach to discipline wherein children earn back their freedom after two days of good behavior.
Q: What realizations have you made regarding your personal posture towards parenting and disciplining school-aged children?
A: We’ve learned that it is imperative to have control over our own emotions and temper our reactions when our children disobey or are upset. When it comes to school disciplinary issues, we must recognize that our child’s version of the experience is often tainted and there is always more to the story. We seek to understand what is truly happening by speaking with teachers, backing the school, and avoiding jumping to the defense of our children. They are not allowed to shift the blame and are led to understand that their uncomfortable feelings are a result of their own negative choices. Additionally, we maintain a posture of thankfulness when our children’s missteps and sins are brought to light. The earlier we can guide them through developmental struggles, the easier it will be for them (and us) when they are older.
Parenting isn’t easy, and while there’s no manual to follow, being open to the mature advice of others—even professionals—can turn the toughest moments into opportunities for both children and parents to grow and eventually pass that wisdom on to others.
Photo by Bigstock.
